DANGEROUS COMPUTER VIRUSES OF 1996

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -once if by LAN, twice if by C:\

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Kernersville, but your data is in Los Angeles.

PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs -only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.